just youu..

kamu milikku..
dan aku milikmu..

entah apa yang ada dipikiranku.
kenapa ketika saat itu aku terus menjalani ini?
kenapa ketika saat itu aku tetap percaya pada dirimu?
kenapa ketika saat itu aku terus bertahan?

tidak satupun jawaban yang aku temukan.
mungkin rasa cinta mengalahkan semua rasa yang ada.

jangan pertanyakan masa itu, karena, kadang rasa sakit itu datang,
dan mungkin aku berpura-pura seakan tidak ada rasa sakit,
dan masa lalu itu indah di depanmu.

kau..
yang mengubah semua cara pandangku..
kau..
yang mengubah aku untuk menerima semuanya..
kau..
yang yakinkan aku untuk terus disisimu..

tapi sekarang aku disini.
tetap milikmu.
di cerita yang lain.
di cerita yang lebih meringankan aku.
di cerita yang lebih indah.

aku disini.
terus disini.
menerima mu apa adanya.
semua kebaikan, keburukan, kelebihan, dan kekuranganmu..

terimakasih untuk memilihku.
terimakasih untuk mengerti aku.
terimakasih untuk kesabaranmu.
terimakasih untuk perjuangan cintamu untukku.

maaf atas semua tindakanku yg menyakitkanmu,
maaf atas kelakuanku yang kadang sedingin es,
maaf dan
maaf..

i will always love you too..
no matter what were your condition,
you'll always be mine.

sweet sixteen :D

birthday girl has a new post about it.

maav kalo ga sperti tahun kmren ultahnya langsung di update disini.
i'm too tired.
hehe.
dari hari kamis udh diancam untuk dateng ke kampus -menyerahkan diri-, lagipula emang ada rapat juga sih.

pas tanggal 4 jam 12 malam, elsha dluan yg ngucapin, ooww such a good friends. hahah.
then him, my boyfriend, and else else else.
pagi-pagi bangun, siap siap ke kampus, masih sempet online dan ngebalesin birthday wall..
sampai di kampus?
senior senior pergi satu persatu.
what the heck?
dari kantin jalan berdua achel ke senat, gandeng-gendengan udah kea orang lesbi. hahaha.
pas di senat rekha dateng looh! cuma bwt ngucapin dan dia balik ke rumah sakit. such a good friend of mine. love you much my kakaaa.
ga berapa lama disenat, sebenernya cukup lama deng,
diajak rapat ke lantai 3, sebelumnya surprise hadiah dari trio divo -ka azwar, ka dowi, dan ka ryan- ketauan. ya iyalah secara lobby kebuka, kliatan mreka nentengnya. ahhaha.
a lovely warmth teddyy bear.. although it's not as big as i dreamt about but i'm happy!!
setelah rapat back to ruang senat.
di sanaaa...
ada elsha and vicky, my ying and yong, the one that tels me they wont come. haha.
then
anak 2009 dimarahin gtu sma senior karena ruangan berantakan..
disuruh keluar dan baris yang rapi.
'kalian yang dikumpulin disini yang sering main diruang senat! masa kalian tega bikin berantakan' kta ka frans
disuruh balik kanan, dan tutp mata.. biar sadar apa salahnya.
en then
byuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurrrr..
ember penuh air berhasil ngebikin gw basah kuyup.
okey saya dikerjain, dan serangan telor, tepung dan kopi pun terjadi.
wawawa. dendammm.
kejar-kejaran terjadi.
foto-fotoan juga
dan akhirnya mandi di kampus, ga bersih bersih amat sih. haha

well, i'm so damn happy,
for this surprise, i thought i cant get the more surprise after last birthday..
but, i got it with my college friends and senior too.
kalo tahun kmrin ada
sabiha, sanam, sharifah, qintara, fachrul, dan kak joanne
tahun ini ada
elsha, vqi, achel, akbar, chini, ka azwar, ka dowi, ka ryan, ka pinky, ka dani, ka riva, ka laode, ka gulam, ka azza, ka fauzi, ka anto, ka frans dan lain lain.
banyak kan?? hhe
well..
thanks for all.
this is the best.
and thanks for all the blessing..

love it more than ever.

crap.

hmmm..
i felt very ....
i dont know how to describe how my mood come and goes for today.
a lot of crying has made my mood miserable. (yea i know this should still be a happy day..)
well i'm not a typical moody person,
but yeaah.. something really bother my mind and hearts,
and a girl like me start to love crying then box to the wall from now.

people use to comes and go, some leaving pain, some leaving nice story for future..
they used to say, i'm a lovable person..
but sorry, i'm not easy to give love.
i cant say i'm not easily in love..
but i'm not a person who's easily say i'm in love.
but i'm a bit picky now.
oftenly i lied to myself says i don't like it or him.
just to make my mind satisfied, and try to feel i'm free.

what should i say now?
i'm in pain?
well i think i'm the one who's try to look out for this pain myself.

a big hole in the heart.
it's a sorrow
a hollow
whatsoever i'm loosing my mind now. hahha

cant describe the title..

when i'm really pissed off with my situation,
try to blame everything on my own, try to get over it, it's always canceled.

just minutes ago, i receive message..

how, if you ask me to take a flower, but the flower was over the cliff, would you still want me to take those flower for you?


it make me freeze for a while,
confused,
what will my answer be..
than i answered it absurdly

no,
i want the flower still be there, so it will be live, and we can still see it someday..

than he agree with my answer...
but he send his point for this..
he said

i wont take it too..
can i give my own reason?
.....
because someday i have to be there for you..
maybe someday you were using your computer, than the computer broke, and i should be there lend my fingers to fix it for you.
maybe someday you forget to bring the key of the house, and i should give my foot to broken open of the door for you..
when you get home, you always stare at the computer, reading a book, and somehow it not good for your eyes,
so i have to guard your my own eyes, so someday i can cut your nail off,
take off your gray hair,
and i'll take your hands to my hand and guide you along the beach,
enjoy the sunrise and beautiful sand,
tell you how the colour of beautiful flower which is shining and look beautiful same as the way your face was..
but..
i wont take those flower, and die..
cause i'm not able to see your tears falling down,
crying for my death,
my love, i know, there was plenty of people who can loves you more than myself.
for those honey,
if everything that has been given by my hands, foots, and my eyes are not enough for you,
i cant hold you any longer to find another hands, foot, and eyes for make you happy..

well.. my tears just falling now.

nyemm..

ternyata..
tetap harus menahan semua rasa ini sendiri.
tetap harus bertahan tanpa dorongan dari siapapun.
tetap harus melangkah dengan tertatih.

kenapa?
karena..
tidak ada satupun jawaban yang bisa diberikan.
tidak ada yang mau dan berusaha mengerti.

cukup.
smua cukup hanya untukku.
cukup untuk disakiti.
cukup untuk dijadikan bayangan.

truth?
yang mana?
apa ini semua?
great then!

Another something to give a shi* on

Hey you witch!
I don't give a hell damn to you girl.
I don't even copy your writing.
I have my own style.

Hey you town girl!
Before you don't get any friend,
We are yours,
Then now you start to give a damn to us.
You're looser in my eyes.

Hey you auntie,
Why don't you just go hell away to you're scene?
Don't you have something to shoot?
Or just shoot your head till 'baang!'

Have you see am I on my top of anger?
Not yet right?
I can make your life does miserable.
you, you, and you.
Be careful to your own mouth or action.
It can't make your life goes even worst,
I know why you did this?
Cause you don't have somebody to lean on,
You did this so you can get the whole attention to you.
Poor you damn girl.

Reason?

For some reason
I still can't explain,
Why would I loved to be on this situation.

For some reason
I don't know what to expect in my life.
All I do is only my daily routines,
not much, nothing so special about.

For some reason
I still loved to keep silence about my story.
Keep all the story be my own secret.
No one really knows,
The only they knows, I'm happy.

But here, I've never try to find the reason why do I'm still breathing?
Still living?
And still crying?

...

so many thing has happened to this world.
i got many experience with from my friends,
they -who has to be separated by their love ones- ..
see through their face, they're smiling..
but see from their eyes they were hurting..

i thought its only me.
but they're much worst then mine..
but keep on living.
with half heart bleeding..